I've lost fat from not eating, and some muscle too, as my body tries to lower my metabolic requirements. I might have to engage in some aerobic exercise to get the flame burning again. I'd like some nice running shoes; I tried an intense regimen of jogging every day for a little while last year with the Zombies, Run! app. I think I went into it too hard off the bat, after about a week the pain in my feet and legs made me afraid that I'd hurt something. Maybe next time, when I can afford running shoes fit to me, it'll feel less like I've hurt myself.

I've also fallen off the wagon a few times. it turns out not eating for extended periods of time is difficult. I've heard willpower is like a muscle that grows stronger when you exercise it, so I 'm trying to avoid eating when I can. But at home, especially when the kids need watching and I can't distract myself with video games, the temptation to make a few delicious breakfast bagels or 5 bowls of cereal (because it's super easy) is too much. My doctor has suggested a blood pressure monitor, but that costs money too. I do want one though. Our bathroom scale is inoperative, apparently due to submersion in water (that's the drawback of smart scales, I guess). My wife did give me her old Fitbit, which I am enjoying, because I like tracking my data. I'm not so interested in monitoring my exact weight, though. I'd like to lose my stomach fat and love handles, that and a lower blood pressure is how I'd measure weight loss success. I feel like if I measure actual weight I'll be discouraged.

The fast food job is cutting hours due to SARS-CoV-2. I got there this morning and the manager on duty (who could stand to improve her work ethic in general - not really relevant, just a side note) opened the door and told me I wasn't going to be working that day. She could have called or texted, that would have been nice. I had gone to the local distribution center for a big box store in the area and asked if they were flexible on hours, and then applied online for early morning work from 2 AM to 7 AM. Being waved off this morning made me more confident in my decision. The distribution center pays almost twice as much as the restaurant anyways.

There's a section of the online application for assessment where they ask you questions to try and determine your personality. I feel like they're trying to assess how well I can tolerate bad coworkers and unrealistic targets, with an undercurrent of finding out how compliant I can be made. I think I'm going any promises made by management to be made on paper.

Gotta stop lounging on the bed during the half hour between showering after job 1 and going to job 2. I have a hard time getting going again after I lie down and then I end up with just the bare minimum of time to get to work.

To do:

Figure out how to save 15% for retirement

Finish sorting stuff in the basement

Why were my posts set with a Pacific Time timestamp? I don't know how long it's been like that, but I fixed it.

General life tip: you don't have room in your house or time in your life for every new thing that comes along, no matter how cheap or fun it is. Pick and choose.

For Lent, so far, I've been trying to eat as little as possible. Not with any spiritual goal in mind, but because I need to lose weight and hey, this seems like a good time to do it. I do like a smidge of tradition every now and again.

In general when I go on a not-eating binge, I make exceptions for social times, like if I'm with a friend and it's lunchtime, I'll go for something. I'll pig out at a potluck. I'll also eat anything my wife makes me. She's got the kids to deal with so this doesn't affect my calorie intake all that much.

I had some thoughts on hunger and willpower but my wife just came in and put a plate of chicken and green beans next to me and she is playing Ni No Kuni and it's hard to concentrate, and maybe I'm a little irritable from a long day with no food, but she's eating too and the chewing is bugging me a little more than usual.

Did you know your blood glucose levels drop right before you eat, because your body is trying to keep a huge influx of blood sugar from throwing your homeostasis out of wack? I learned that today. Maybe that's why I'm grumpy, there's a plate of food here that's ready to go. I can ruminate on human motivation later I guess.

I'm gonna get a start on organizing all the junk in the basement today. A lot of stuff that I've carted around for most of my life, some of it useful, a lot of it not. Time for all these boxes and totes to find closure. I did find my old Bop-It, maybe that still works. I'm heading out now to buy some more plastic totes and baggies for loose wires and cords. I'll pick up some AAA batteries and see if the kids can play with the Bop-It.

New kid's born, I have another son now. My wife stopped working, the kids are stopping daycare soon. I'm working 60 hours a week between two jobs. I work early mornings running a cash register seven days a week and then go to my main job, car sales, for the rest of the day. Picking up a third job on Sunday crossed my mind; there's a local appliance store hiring for sales and I bet it would be better than increasing my Sunday hours at the fast food place.

I wouldn't really need to, we're currently at survival levels of income, although that might change with extra expenses later (I'd like to retire too, the thought of spending the rest of my life working really bugs me). School costs come to mind. I'm perfectly fine with sending the kids to public school, but my wife wants to send them to a religious school of the christian denomination we're a part of. I'm not opposed to 'religious' education, it's not like they're smacking knuckles with rulers there, but it's not important to me and it's an extra cost. It's important to my wife, though, important enough that it'll be worth it. Her family also wants the kids to go there, and they've offered to help with tuition. I don't bristle at that offer of assistance as much as I do for others, I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I don't consider religious school to be a necessity. Help with rent and food and other things make that we need make me feel indebted. I don't mind someone dropping off a box of diapers or a toy for a kid or small things like that, but basically anything over ~$50 makes me feel uncomfortable. But the kids don't -need- religious schooling. Their grandparents (at least on my wife's side, I don't know how strongly my mom feels about it) think they do, so if they need to make it happen, I won't stop them. I guess that whatever part of me keeps the social ledger doesn't consider this a debt. I'm not going to try to rationalize it too much.

No more drinking, not since about a month before the new guy got here. Went to hang out with my friend at a bar for a few minutes after work the other day, had a Busch NA. It's still beer, and I'm not a snob, so whatever. I don't want to give myself a buzz in case something bad happens that I need to be 100% functional for, and I know that a buzz can lead to me piling on more alcohol until I'm not just buzzed anymore. I don't think I can really drink at any amount that I'd consider "responsible" until maybe when the kids are older, much older, like halfway through high school older. I miss weed too, and that's got an additional deterrent in the form of possible unemployment. Alcohol is much more likely to kill me, but it's legal, and it's possible to be a 'functioning alcoholic' and maintain a job. I've done it for how many years now? But I think now with the intensity of focus that bringing home the bacon requires, booze is out. I really do miss marijuana, but I think part of that is missing the days when there wasn't so much of a time squeeze and I could do what I liked without endangering anyone's food supply.

Speaking of piling on, I've been thinking it's time to jump back on the diet wagon. I lost thirty pounds (13-ish kg) in the last part of 2019, but I quit watching what I was eating early this year. So now the fat's starting to build up again. I'm not back to where I was, so I've still made progress, but I'm still technically overweight. Break's over, time to start putting effort back in.

I decided to just grab a hot chocolate for the wife and skip breakfast today. If I had a steady supply of willpower I could just eat a set amount of calories per meal, but if a day turns out to be particularly stressful then that plan's gonna go out the window and I'll be loading carbs until I feel better. So I'll save up a calorie deficit during the good times, and if I need something extra to help cope with the bad times, I'll still come out ahead.

Oh, also, I got the truck fixed at work. New tires, new tie rod ends. $600 and some change!

Done working today. I want to drink but I'm not gonna. I've been gaining weight back so I'm not going to eat either. Last year I tried to lose weight and it worked great, until I hit a plateau at around 110 pounds. I lost the will to keep regulating my calorie intake. I didn't go right back to hogging down food like I was before, but it's been slowly ramping up. Time to try again.

Still working two jobs. This is exhausting. The boy wants to play but I'm stuck to the couch. He's gone out to the kitchen where his mom is - I should take this opportunity while he's distracted to put a load of laundry in. He is a little ball of energy and I have absolutely none of my own left to keep up.

I worry about someone in the family getting into a condition that requires round-the-clock care, like paralysis or dementia. I don't think health insurance covers that sort of thing. If it happened to me, and I was still able to, I'd probably find an end on my own terms. Which reminds me: I need to reexamine my life insurance. Maybe buy more. And maybe more of all the other insurances, too.

My wife is 36 weeks along.